[Le passé] Understanding Attraction

She never really understood why she was attracted to him in the first place. He didn't have that special something she shared with her previous boyfriends, but somehow she accepted his invitation for a night out anyway. Why? She didn't know, she wished she didn't say yes.

She was too quick to act, too quick to decide, and too quick to say yes. The days spent with him were a mere blur, nothing interested ever came to their relationship. The end was quick and seemed so long at the same time. She knew the ending would be fast and worst of all she knew where he was heading next. Another heart.

Feeling more mature, she felt she did the right thing and still do. Not all love stories have happy ending. Some just trailled off without reasons, some ended abruptly without a warning and some just slipped off without even realising. All these realizations came through her head like roundabouts of jumbled words. She needed to sit down.

Undestanding attraction to the grown up girl is still a mystery. She could never understand why this love story in particular even started in the first place. But it didn't matter, all she needed to know was it could happen and she won't let history repeat itself.

[Le passé] The Wrong Handsome Guy

The start of the school year only meant one thing, a new class filled with new friends and hopefully some old friends too. She smiled and jumped excitedly when they announced that she was going to be in the same class as her best friend. Lucky girl.
This year is going to be awesome. Plans ran quickly through her thoughts and some were shared with her best friend. They smiled.

The racketing noise inside her class could be heard from the corridor. She entered her new class pretty confidently. She was no longer the new kid and most kids in her year knew who she was. She wasn't popular but pretty well-known. Greetings from new friends came soon after she sat down. Her new friends scattered to their places as soon as the teacher came in. The teacher's voice was a distant blur as she observed her new crowd. One guy caught her attention, he saw her, she quickly turned elsewhere. A quick teenager tactic for not getting caught staring at a cute guy.

The guy was witty and funny. He was just plain handsome, any girl in their right mind would see that and it was the reason why a dozen girl was lining up wanting to be with him. She, however, had the privilege to be his best friend, what an honour, right? Calls after calls, talks after talks, she realized something in her tummy. Were they butterflies? No it can't be.

When the calls and talks stopped, she knew it was mainly her fault. She was never good at expressing her feelings, she chose to distract herself instead. This time the distraction came from his friend, another beauty, a more mysterious beauty. Maybe that was why she instantly felt the attraction, he was the perfect distraction.

The distraction was not a distraction after all. It turned to be a long term distraction, one she discovered to be her first experience of love. The wrong handsome guy took her from the guy she truly cared, but to some extend she didn't mind. The one that got away, another star lesson put into the knowledge bag. The bag keeps getting heavier.

[Le passé] High School Dream

Him. Yes he, was incredibly charming. Well, at least for a new 14-year-old transferred girl.

"Hey," he greeted with that high confidence.

"Hey," the girl replied shyly.

And that was how all it started.

The school was new for the girl, so different from her previous all-girls-school which she only lasted less than 3 months. She liked her new class, her new friends, although they were a little boisterous, she didn't mind.
Matches my personality. She thought to herself.

The dark-haired boy stood out the most. He excelled in English, although not so much in other subjects, and was blaring with confidence topped with his sweet-mouthed words. Maybe, that was why she was so curious of him.

Of course then, she had no friends to tell her what a big playboy he was at the school. She had no idea that behind the sweet mouth lays a big jerk who treats girl with no respect. She had no idea, that was why she innocently and slowly fell into his trap. That sweet trap filled with his playful words. She had a weakness for words.

After a few months, she proudly presented him as my boy, my guy, my man...or whatever. Just in the first week of their supposedly happiest week, she found him guilty as charged. Her new friends finally revealed his "open secrets", which she whisked ignorantly, assuring herself that they were just jealous. But her self-assurance faded as she saw him in his real self one day.

And what she saw was a boy with no self-respect stood in a puddle of lies. She slowly moved away from him, thanking the God above it wasn't love. Because if it was, it would've hurt like hell.

Time to time, she regretted knowing him. Now, she knows there is no need for regret, it was a precious lesson. A lesson she will never repeat, but is kept in her bag of knowledge.

Semua Itu...Gampang!

Orang memang gampang berubah.

Gampang mencinta.

Gampang memberi perhatian.

Gampang berbicara.

Gampang memberi harapan.

Gampang merasa memiliki.

Namun orang juga gampang melupakan.

Gampang meninggalkan.

Gampang melepaskan.

Gampang mengambil keputusan.

Gampang marah tak beralasan.


Semua itu gampang! Gampang!

Pahit Manis

Gara-gara sohib gw yang paling tengil dan gampang banget tidur Regina bikin blog post tentang pahit manis-nya cinta (yg secara ga langsung nyindir gw banget), gw jadi pingin bikin versi pahit manis gw sendiri.

#1 Saat berdiri di sebelahmu membuatku tersenyum tiada habisnya.

#2 Terhipnotis lagi-lagi dengan pandangan matamu yang begitu dalam dan mengena.

#3 Terkagum oleh pengetahuanmu yang luas dan keluwesanmu dalam berbicara.

#4 Mengendalikan kupu-kupu di perutku setiap kali kau ada di sekitarku.

#5 Memendam senyum dan bahagia tiap kali berjalan disampingmu.

#6 Mengetahui bahwa tidak semua perasaan berjalan sebagaimana kita mau dan terkadang memang rasa sakit harus kita rasakan.

#7 Terbiasa dengan rasa sakit dan mulai mengerti bahwa waktunya akan datang untuk bangkit lagi.

#8 Bahwa matahari besok akan lebih cerah dan bintang akan bersinar lebih terang, semua hanya untuk menemani hatimu yang terkena badai.

#9 Besok bukanlah hari kita, tapi besok adalah hariku. Hariku yang bisa kunikmati sendiri dan berharap bahagia ini bisa penuh.

#10 Memahami bahwa kebahagian dan cinta bukan sesuatu yang bisa dipaksa.

Look Where We Are Now

It was another Sunday being dragged into another church by my parents. I was 11 years old, and the thought of entering another beautiful-from-the-outside but severely-freezing-inside church in Leeds was too much to bare. Most churches we had entered so far had lack of young people and a very bad heating, so what was this St George's church my friend's dad recommended had in advantage, I had once thought. Probably nothing much, so with half eyes barely opened and a huge sigh, I followed my parents to the car park.

From the outside, it was another beautifully carved church, with interiors you'd never see in Indonesian churches. I was wondering to myself why there were so many cars parked, perhaps just people parking their cars in the church while they took a walk to the nearby city hall. I took a deep breath and thought "OK, just suck it up and we'll be out in an hour!". So that was what I did.

A band was playing. The room was warm and filled with many people. It had a friendly-homey atmosphere. There were kids with their parents, some young adults and elderlies. And most of all, there were kids my age, not just one or two, but a lot of them. We took our seats and silently took part in the service.

Sunday school! What?! No! I didn't want to go, my English was still rough, I wasn't confident enough to communicate and I didn't want to participate in any Sunday school. My mum managed to convince me to go. Separated from my parents was a big deal, with stuttered English and feeling very shy, I followed the other kids outside. There I met five girls, same age as me, who greeted me with their friendly, warm smile that I couldn't help but smile back.

It was that simple, welcoming smile these girls gave me that bonded us for about three years. Sundays were one of my favourite days, I didn't want to skip church. I wanted to see my friends, sat at the top corner seat of our church for the first 30 minutes of the service before being called to go to our youth groups. Within those three years, we had done a lot of things. We made a band (every girl's dream!). We performed our song in front of the whole church (the crowd went wild obviously!). We went to the Lake District for rock-climbing, kayaking and all sorts. We had mad sleepovers. We did car-washing Sundays for charity which led to huge water fights. We had countless day outs to Pizza Hut. We exchanged thoughts and opinions. We learned a lot of things from each other. We had birthday parties. We also had leaving parties, sadly.

And as they say, all good things must come to an end. It broke my heart to part with them in 2002 when I had to go back to Indonesia. Saying goodbye to them was just as hard as saying hello to them for the first time. If I could, I would've stayed, but I couldn't.

10 years has passed now, we're all not as close as we used to, but these girls will always be special to me. I was lucky enough to reunite with one of them, Emily, in December. I couldn't believe how much she has changed but in some ways I could still see the teenager-Emily I knew then. I still love her big smile and her patience, especially having a friend as chatty as me. Rosi, the quietest of us all, e-mails me every now and then, we exchange stories of our jobs and experiences. I don't talk much with Eleanor and Rebecca, but both of them seem to be leading a great life (thank God for Facebook!), and I'm not surprised either. And recently Bethany got married, I am extremely happy for her and she deserves all the happiness in the world. I still have that one wish, to see each one of them again, someday.

I still smile when I look at pictures of us, if it weren't for that Sunday I wouldn't have known them. If it weren't for St George's I wouldn't be blessed having such amazing experiences with them. Having to know them is one of the biggest blessings of my life.

Funny Thing Called Time

Time is a funny thing..hah..
One minute you feel like you're on solid ground,
that you are sure it will hold you
But just like a tsunami, it wipes you out the next second.
And like an earthquake, it shakes you till you loose your ground the next minute.

...and you look around, when time has past but not that further down,
but everything around you is not so solid any more.
It's not as steady as you think,
and you are left to pick up the pieces.
To start all over again, hoping that time will refresh the ground.
Hoping that once again, you will have faith on solid ground.

City Light

"Gw suka deh pemandangan dari kamar lo, bagus, kliatan city light"

"Iya sih bagus pemandangannya"

"Gw suka banget kelap kelip gitu...andaikan kliatan kayak gini dari kamar gw. Sebelum tidur bisa baca buku sambil liat pemandangan, kayaknya seru yah."

Setelah balik ke kamar gw, pemandangan yang di luar cuma bulan dan gedung seberang yang bangunannya kayak tin can.
Indah, tapi lebih indah lagi kalo ditambah city light kali ya.
Kayaknya memang harus ke kamar dia untuk ngeliat keindahan city light yang kelap kelip.


Beberapa bulan kemudian gw pindah ke kamar lain, di gedung lain. Dan yang lebih ga gw duga, gw dapet pemandangan city light yang selalu gw pingin. Memang yang gw liat itu ga spektakuler tapi gw suka banget, entah kenapa.

Hal favorit yang paling gw suka saat ini, matiin semua lampu kecuali lampu belajar, nyalain lilin, buka jendela dan liat lampu2 kuning-orange yang mulai muncul dari jam 21.00.
Kayaknya gw ga butuh dia lagi buat liat keindahan city light. 

Cinta itu...

"Mama, cinta itu apa sih?"

"Ah nak, nanti kalo sudah besar juga kamu bakal tau kok."

"Tapi mama, aku pingin tau cinta itu apa"

"Menurutmu apa nak?"

"Kupu-kupu?"

"Cantik dan bisa terbang tinggi, ya cinta itu seperti kupu-kupu."

"Mawar merah?"

"Wangi dan indah, ya cinta itu seperti mawar merah."

"Matahari?"

"Cerah dan memberikan kehangatan, ya cinta itu seperti matahari."

"Bantal gulingku!"

"Nyaman dan enak untuk dipeluk, ya cinta itu seperti bantal gulingmu."

"Berarti cinta itu di sekeliling kita donk ma?"

"Iya bener nak"

"Berarti semua yang indah-indah dan bagus-bagus donk ma?"

"Ga juga nak."

"Maksud mama....?"

"Mawar memang indah, tapi harus hati-hati dengan durinya. Matahari memang cerah dan memberi kehangatan, tapi kadang terlalu panas dan jadi tidak nyaman. Kupu-kupu memang indah saat ada di depan mata kita, tapi kadang kita harus menunggu lama untuk melihat kupu-kupu itu. Bantal gulingmu memang nyaman tapi tidak selamanya kamu tidur kan sayang?"

"Ah mama, aku ga paham, udahlah aku tunggu aja kayak kata mama tadi"

"Suatu saat nanti kamu juga bakal ngerti kok nak!"

Anak Pendeta: Sebuah Renungan

(Hampir) semua orang tau bokap gw adalah seorang pendeta. Yup, tau kan pendeta, yang khotbah di depan mimbar, yang baptis orang, yang doain orang, yang hafal (hampir) semua ayat-ayat Alkitab. Ya itu dia.

Sejak kecil, gw uda dicap sebagai anak pendeta (yaiyalah...!). Gimana rasanya jadi anak pendeta? Gw yakin, gw bukan satu2nya anak pendeta, tapi gw ga yakin kalo semua anak pendeta merasakan apa yang gw rasakan.   

Ga boleh nakal, kamu kan anak pendeta. Sering banget tuh kata2 keluar, terutama guru SD gw. Selalu aja kalo gw nakal, cerewet, ngejailin temen, kalimat ampuhnya adalah itu. Pertanyaan yang sering muncul di pikiran gw: "emang kalo bokap gw pendeta, gw ga boleh nakal ya?". Aneh banget kelakuan anak kecil kok dihubung2in sama kerjaan bokapnya, gw yakin bokap gw pas kecil jg jail, nakal...padahal calon pendeta loh!

Brarti kamu hafal ayat2 alkitab donk. Bukan berarti gw pakar dalam theologi dan hal2 yang berhubungan dengan agama Kristen. Dan ga, gw ga hafal Alkitab dan ya, gw jg kadang punya pertanyaan2 yang mungkin juga dipikirin orang2 yang bukan anak pendeta. Normal lah, yang belajar theologi kan bokap gw, bukan gw.

Pasti Natal, Paskah perayaan kesukaan lo. Justru kebalikan. Di saat orang2 pada libur keluarga, bokap gw musti kerja. Apalagi kalo Natal, khotbah setiap kebaktian begitu juga Paskah. Alhasil, gw cuma dapet capeknya doank. Pernah suatu saat gw merasa Natal, Paskah dan perayaan lainnya cuma hal biasa, ga spesial2 amat. Tapi gw sadar, justru itulah indahnya keluarga pendeta, gw menganggap kita bisa merayakan hari2 spesial ini dengan pelayanan. It took a while for me to realise it :)

Kalo ada masalah tinggal konsultasi ama bokap donk. Ummm, ga juga sih. Punya bokap pendeta bukan berarti gw dapet akses 24/7 konsultasi spiritual dan rohani secara gratis, bukan berarti semua teguran dan nasehat adalah bibliah (itu kata bukan sih?!). Tetep aja nasehatnya tuh "normal2" aja, bukan tipe yang "Agata, kamu ga boleh xxxx karena dalam Alkitab Yohanes ayat xxx mengatakan xxxx" - aneh juga mikir bokap gw ngasi nasehat begitu haha.

Tapi jadi anak pendeta, itu asik kok. Ga ada yang spesial juga sih jadi anak pendeta. Gw lebih suka berpikir kalo kita ini hanya keluarga normal dengan masalah2 normal yang dihadapin dengan keluarga2 normal lainnya. Ya, gereja emang udah bagian dari gw dan gw ga bisa lepas juga. Tapi, tetep aja gw paling ga suka kalo orang mengkorelasikan kelakuan gw dengan pekerjaan bokap gw. Sekali lagi, yang belajar theologi, yang jadi pendeta bukan gw, tapi bokap gw. Tapi gw akuin, gw seneng banget diskusi yang berbau theologi ama bokap, diskusi tentang hal yang positif maupun negatif. Mengungkapkan kekeselan gw tentang gereja ato hal2 berbau agama juga uda sering dia dengerin dan ditanggepin dengan sudut pandang yang kadang bikin gw kaget. Eh tapi jangan salah ya, walo bokap gw yang pendeta, kadang di rumah mama gw yang lebih kayak pendeta loh. I think she would've made a fantastic female priest! Amen! haha!

Sekian sepintas curhat anak pendeta. Ada yang anak pendeta juga di luar sana?

#1 - I Once Knew...

...the "100% waterproof, windproof, any kind of proof" boots. 

My Boot Theorem is not made up. I have lived long enough in this world to be able to know/see/experience those boots mentioned. And trust me, the process of knowing/seeing/experiencing these boots was somehow bitter-sweet. For sure, they made me understand and avoid unpleasant boots of life.

This first type of boots was probably my most hated kind during my teenage years. I was naive enough to be convinced with their promises, and as the young and stupid teenager I was, I certainly fell for it. Though, I considered myself lucky to find out the truth of those false promises fast enough. The feeling of dumping these kinds, was the best feeling in the world and yet they are the never-give-up kind too as they seem to linger on you for quite sometimes with again more promises. Of course, being the person that I was/am, I never trust again those who deceit me. Saying NO once or twice or maybe a dozen times just weren't enough to push them away. Obviously with my consistency, sharp comments and glares, they finally move away.

Looking back, I'm glad I met these kinds. They are so see-through, no mystery and I most certainly can spot these boots within miles. In fact, all they need is one sentence coming from their mouth, and all is revealed. How shallow. And when I came across news on these boots during my university years, all I could do was grin and a gush of relieve came over me.  

The Boot Theorem

During the winter break I was frustrated in buying boots. The weather was cold and as I found out choosing the right boots is as hard as choosing a boyfriend. In fact they very much resemble. So here we go again:

#1: The "cheap and cute" boots

These boots are cheap, usually below 30euro (in Europe anyway), they look good on you and you'll be proudly wearing them the seconds you got them. But of course, you got it cheap, so it will only last for a while. When it breaks, you'll be sad for a while but will easily forget. They were cheap!

#2: The "quite expensive and cute but cold" boots

Well these kinds, are exactly what they are described. They're not as cheap as #1, quite expensive, very cute when you take them out for a nice dinner with friends or to show off on the dance floor, but they are cold. They don't give you any warmth, they just leave you feeling cold and you end up not wearing them for a while and soon you'll forget them.

#3: The "100% waterproof, windproof, any kind of proof" boots

Promises. These boots are giving you a lot of promises. And you end up having them because you fell for their promises, hoping that you will get exactly what they said. But wrong, when you actually test them, they are not as they promised. So what to do with these kinds? You'll soon get fed up and toss them.

#4: The "expensive, soul-draining" boots

You see them on the display, everyone wants them, everyone wishes they were the owner of this dashing boots, and you, yes, YOU have them. How lucky! Of course, you just spend your entire savings on this boots and it should be the right one for you, right? Well no, they look good for a while, but they are so hard to keep up with. They need the right treatment, need to be polished everyday, need to be put in a special place...and at the end of the day you're just exhausted looking after this one boots, and is it even worth it?

#5: The "your perfect...NOT!" boots

They are not too expensive yet not too cheap either. They make your feet feel so comfortable that you swear you will even wear them to bed. You almost feel like you've found the one, the one that will keep your feet protected for the rest of your life. That is until your friend borrowed it and it broke.

#6: The "too comfortable" boots

This is it, I am never buying another boots in my whole entire life again. You are so comfortable by it, that you can't think of having your feet bare without them. They are so damn comfortable, why would you want to take it off. Unlike #5, your friends don't even like them, but why should you care, it's the perfect boots for you. That is until you outgrown them, your feet just don't fit anymore, no matter how hard you try, you just have to dump it.

#7: The "maybe" boots

When you saw it, you weren't so sure. I mean, the price is affordable, but maybe it will fail you after all those boots experience. Then you try it, and okay it's a perfect match, but you just have so many doubts. To buy or not to buy?! So, OK, you buy because you somehow feel an instant connection and why not give it a try eh? And so you did, and it lasts, my goodness it lasts a long time. And this is the boots everyone should have. Yes it is.

A friend of mine said to me, and I truly love this quote "...if they are meant for you, they won't fit anyone else."

Spontaneous

I love being spontaneous. It's that surprising, unplanned things that sometimes cheer you up and make your day.

So that was what happened this weekend.

The big hype film of the month, Hunger Games, came to me too. Though it was unplanned, my friends and I decided to watch it...in French. No, I don't know French that fluent to understand the whole film, but yes I got the point. It was good, not brilliant.

After finishing this french-dubbed film, the tram to the residence decided to be spontaneous too, it refused to let us know the time it'll come. So, we took the most sane way to solve the problem, obviously to rent a bike. And of course I felt like I was gonna break my legs as the last time I biked was several year ago, ok not several, more like 2002. We finally did it. Though we managed to be "on the road" (literally) when the clock went forward one hour. After walking through a park, dead dark, I managed to climb into my beloved bed.

And today, with the sunshine and warm weather, Clisson awaited. It was really nice. I love standing in the castle ruin overlooking the calm river. Simple pleasure. Simple surprises.

#Travel: Paris

Siapa sih yang ga tau Paris?! Semua orang tau, terkenal dari Eiffel tower sampe ke suasana romantisnya yang selalu diomongin banyak orang. Setelah 9 tahun, akhirnya gw bisa ke Paris lagi Oktober 2011. Semenjak gw di Eropa, ini kali pertama gw bener-bener travelling. Gw pergi cuma berdua, tapi trus janjian ama temen satu lagi, dan nginep di residence temen gw satu lagi. Walo mungkin udah banyak review tentang Paris, tapi menurut gw Paris selalu punya kesan yang beda-beda untuk setiap orang.

#1: Yang biasa-biasa ampe yang luar biasa
Yang jelas ke Eiffel Tower, Louvre, Moulin Rouge dan semua-semua yang standard. Yang ga standard? Dengan bangganya gw berhasil ke semua kuburan terkenal di Paris! Sebenernya pas Oktober cuma dua yang gw kunjungi: Cimetière de Montmartre ama Cimetière du Montparnasse, tapi yang satunya Cimetière du Père Lachaise berhasil gw kunjungi awal tahun ini. Gatau kenapa seneng banget gw, mungkin karena di Indo kuburannya bikin gw serem abis jadi ga pernah brani, kalo di Paris bagus-bagus, ga (gitu) serem, walo agak mrinding pas di Cimetière de Montmartre.
Trus yang seru abis ke Les Catacombes, yang isinya tengkorak-tengkorak, asli ga serem banget kok, cuma aneh dan unik abis.
Yang gw rekomendasiin kalo ke Paris, nonton: How to be a Parisian in one hour. Bikin ngakak dan dalam bahasa Inggris! Tapi 18+ yah ini :P

Pantesan ga serem kan di kuburan

#2: Yang jauh amat
L' Hay Les Roses, uda pernah denger? Gw juga belum pernah, sampe ikutan program kuliah ini. Ini salah satu tempat di Paris, pinggiran gitu, tempat tinggalnya temen-temen gw yang kuliah di Paris. Buset yah ini tempat jauh abis dari central Paris. Bayangin aja, musti naek metro, ganti 2 kali, trus musti nungguin bis, total bisa 1 jam-an. Dan bayangin temen-temen gw yang malang ini musti bolak-balik tiap hari ke kampus! Tapi ga complain juga sih, di Indo bisa lebih parah kali ya, dulu temen kantor gw ada yang Lebak Bulus - Bekasi naek bus, ga tau lebih enakan bus patas di Indo ato metro tua empet2an di Paris.

#3: Yang tak terlupakan
Yang gw inget sampe sekarang (saking dendamnya), gw ga trima abis, berasa dirampok! Pas ke Jardin des Plantes, ada anak-anak remaja gitu yang nyodorin kayak leaflet yang intinya nyari duit buat charity, tapi mereka BOONG BANGET dan mereka bener-bener agresif sampe gw harus ngerelain duit gw ke mereka. Satu tip, mereka banyak di Paris dan jangan sampe mau ditodong kayak gw, itu ga bener dan boong.

Abis beli es krimm ditodong

#4: Jadi?

Jadi...Paris itu bagus, romantis (sayang banget gw jomblo huhuks!), nyeni TAPI gw ga mau deh kalo suruh tinggal di Paris. Mau gimana-gimana, namanya juga capital city kliatan kalo orangnya lebih cuek-cuek, contoh: kalo di Nantes mw nyebrang jalan pasti mobil berhenti, di Paris mah kita musti nungguin ampe tuh orangnya jadi ijo baru bisa nyebrang. Setelah 4 hari liburan di Paris, gw seneng banget bisa pulang ke Nantes, kota kecil nan imut gw :)

Little Things

The little things that make me smile:
1. The stars - nothing is better than seeing a clear night sky filled with stars, perhaps one of the most amazing things in the world.
2. The smell of rain - rain may suck but I do love it sometimes.
3. Morning dew - that speck of water on the grass or flower marks the little things in life worth attention.
4. Old couple holding hands - one day I would want a partner to hold when I have wrinkly face and grey hair.
5. Snow falling - like small precious moments, where you have to hold your breath to enjoy the sensation.
6. Playing the piano - as mentioned in my other post
7. Reading a book in a rainy evening with a cup of tea - heavenly!
8. Sound of Pachelbel - one of my favourites, always manages to soothe my soul.
9. Writing - my most recent favourite thing.
10. Calling my family - never a wasted moment.

...those are a few of my favourite things. When the dog bites. When the bee stings. When I'm feeling sad. I simply remember my favourite things. And then I don't feel so bad.

Love Dances at the Tip of Your Fingertips

Valentine's Day comes, and I just have to make a blog post about it.
No I am not a hater, nor am I a lover of this day. Perhaps this post does not even describe love in a way that it should be in this what is believed and ritualized as the most romantic day of the year.

And when it comes to love, people may express it with roses, chocolates, and shocking pink goodies. To me, love has always been and will always be at the tip of my fingers. It is with a piano that I can relate love to.

I am not a great player, but I am a great listener. I love listening to the piano. The music produced by it, sounds magical, even when only one piano is played, it can fill a whole room with so much emotion. This clip below expresses so much sadness, a longing to bring someone from far away back home. A calling from home, asking - begging, for that someone to come home.



And another one of my favourite. This one below pulls you through a world where love is possible, where nothing in the world means nothing without you. I can imagine so much colour, speed and thousands of light - all moving simultaneously creating a beautiful spectrum.



And when I play the piano (I only play personally :P), when I touch the black and white keys, I feel home. While my hands dance through it, I feel like I can fall in love again and again. I feel amazed every time I play or listen to the piano, it soothes my exploding soul. For a while I can even think clearly about everything.

And how amazing it would be, to experience a love like this.

Tak Pernah Sendiri

Berkali-kali sudah mungkin gw posting tentang kehidupan gw sebagai mahasiswa di negara asing, yap, emang kadang gw merasa sangat kesepian dan kangen banget ama keluarga dan temen-temen. Ga punya temen yang udah kenal lama yang bisa gw tarik dengan seenak hati ke mall favorit gw cuma untuk cuma sekedar window shopping ato makan di resto diskonan.
Ga ada temen yang deket banget yang bisa gw ajak sekedar cengar cengir ga jelas ato nonton film lucu.
Yap, ga bisa dipungkuri lagi, kadang rasanya pingin balik.

Tapi, gw cuma bisa bilang di saat gw kesepian pasti ada seseorang yang dateng untuk nemenin gw. Tuhan dengan ajaibnya selalu ngirim gw temen yang bisa gw ajak ngobrol, ketawa ato ejek-ejekan sampai rasa kangen or kesepian gw ilang.

Entah dia nongol di chat gw ngomongin hal ga penting sampe gw kepingkal-pingkal.
Entah dia telpon vid conference gw sekedar untuk belajar bareng.
Entah dia dateng pas wiken trus nonton film seri favorit gw ampe malem.
Entah dia ngerusuh ke kamar gw untuk nyolong makanan di kulkas gw.
Entah dia ngajak pergi ke bar di kota ama temen-temen yang lain.

Yap, selalu ada yang nemenin gw sampe rasa kangen gw ilang. Dan di saat-saat itu gw sangat amat bersyukur.

Trus gw sadar gitu...hmm...kenapa yah..tuh orangnya sama doeeennkk.

A Preview of Winter

Remembering some time ago I was complaining on how warm it is considering that it is winter. Well, guys, winter came late. About last week, cold overcame Nantes and it was not playing around, it was the real thing.

After some years, I was finally able to see some snow. As I was sitting down during my never ending project, I could see snow flakes from my window after a friend of mine pointed it out to me. It started with mild soft flakes, then it started to get heavy and some 3 hours later, snow was piled up in the parking lot in front of my room and I could hear people outside playing with snow. With the amount of snow outside, and the amount of work I have to do inside, I was tempted to go out. I was very tempted. And yes the temptation won. I went out with a few friends outside at around 1.30 AM, call me crazy but it was the best snow fight ever and considering we've not had any snow since then I'm glad I went out that night (or morning).



And as I went back to my room with wet hair, wet boots and wet jacket, I was smiling all over. Yes life may be difficult, yes exams may not have been successful, and yes last semester work is still lingering but life is good. Yes it is.

Near or Far

My absolute favourite song at the moment is Near or Far by Carissa Rae.

Which is actually funny, because I'm not in a relationship right now, let alone a long distance one.

Strong is what we are whenever we’re apart
I’ll be right where you are, I’m in your heart

I am a pessimist in long distance too, but the words to this song actually make LDR so easy.

So don’t worry about a thing, or all the miles in between

When actually it's hard and tough and needs a lot of effort.

I hear them say
That what we have may fade away but I refuse

I wonder, when you've found the so-called "the one", it will become easier?

Understand you make mistake
But love won’t stop, it has no breaks

Or maybe not? Either way, I rather not have it.

You have my heart, you had it from the start

But the point is, this song is way too cute and worth sharing. I salut those who can survive an LDR, so this one is for you guys!

I love you from afar..

Ujian dan Musim Dingin

Musim dingin, yang gw harapin adalah salju tentunya, di Eropa gitu loh. Tapi ternyata Nantes punya jalan pikir sendiri, pingin beda sendiri (atau paling ga menurut gw beda), pingin maunya sendiri. Musim dingin kok "panas", bukan, bukan panas ala Indonesia tentunya, panas ala musim dingin Eropa. Temperatur masih sekitar 8-11 derajat, kacau! Setelah liburan dari Austria dan Switzerland yang udaranya "winter banget", masuk ke Nantes lagi berasa di negara tropis, kata temen lebay gw. Asik bukan?

Bukan.

Musim dingin ini bukan cuma cuacanya doank yang panas, otak gw juga dibikin panas ama ujian yang di akhir bulan ini. Hari-hari di Januari cuma diisi ama bengong di dalem kamar sambil liat-liat powerpoint, yang ngomong-ngomong gw masih bingung sampe detik ini, dan juga bikin tugas yang bejibun ampe ga keliatan ujungnya.

Musim dingin juga bikin gw pingin pulang. Kalo gw masih kerja di Jakarta, kayaknya udah pulang Jogja paling ga dua kali, apalagi pas Natal kemarin. Pasti lemak dari makan masakan mama yang luar biasa uda mulai menimbun dan sekarang di kantor udah mulai ribut untuk nge-gym tapi alhasil malah lembur makan junk food. Ah! Kangen sangat ama suasana kantor.Tapi faktanya gw udah hampir 5 bulan ga pulang. What?! Baru 5 L.I.M.A bulan?! Kok berasa udah kayak 5 tahun ya, eh lebay, 1 tahun ya? Hari-hari di Eropa emang lebih lama gitu?

Aneh ya?!

Kalo lagi kuliah begini, rasanya pingin nyari duit. Kalo lagi nyari duit, pinginnya nyari ilmu. Emang bener kata orang, manusia ga akan pernah puas. Dasar, manusia!

Resolutions and Other Imaginary Wishes

And we welcome another year, with all its glitter and sparkle, another year begin: 2012. Laughter, cheers, sounds of fireworks, clatters of champagne glasses – all were prepared to welcome the new year. Resolutions are made, mostly revising or simply (sadly) repeating last year’s failed, or even untouched, resolutions. While writing the new resolutions, chanting inside the head “I will do it this year, yes I will”.

To tell you the truth. No, you will not. Well, at least not for me anyway.

Resolutions were always my weaknesses, knowing this, I gave up on making them altogether. The chants I say to myself during the new year are somehow forgotten and by the middle of the year: “What resolutions?!”. So just like any other new year, no resolutions this year either. But instead reflections, yes, reflections of last year.

2011.

What a year. What a blast. What a surprise.

On the matter of life, 2011 was a life-turning, upside-down change. Resigned from my first job, moved to another country and became a student yet again. Major life changes for me.

On the matter of love, 2011 was a disappointment. Not only to find that I can be vulnarable, I also found how it feels to be hurt, to be let down. 2011, the point in my life where I actually didn’t (and most disturbingly, still don’t) get what love is, and why things happened for the way they were.

On the matter of friendship, 2011 was where new friendships blossomed and old ones kept strong. 2011 showed me that even with different cultural backgrounds, friendship can be made, and what satisfies me most is this might be the kind of friendship that will last. Old ones were kept safely, even with the distance and time difference, I could still feel our bond.

On the matter of family, 2011 was hard to part but aware that I am lucky in every way.

2012.

No resolutions, as I don’t like promises, especially the ones I might not be able to fulfill. This year, I will simply be more aware.

Why? Because that didn’t happen in 2011.

Be more aware of the things around me. I hope the awareness will make me appreciate life more, avoid heartbreaks, thankful for the things I have, grateful for the study that I find hard to do, smile for every simple things, understand people more, increases my patience – in every way, decreases my complaining.

Let 2012 be a great year. Cheers!